Tit for Tat - An Unconscious Rivalry

As children, our primary goal is to get the attention of our parents. We would do anything to get it - from chucking a tantrum to poking our sibling in the side and blaming them for hurting us, to getting straight A's on our report cards. 

We did whatever it took to get that smile, to feel that sense of belonging, love or receive words of praise. As a baby we worked our parents to fulfil our needs - we demonstrated when we were hungry, tired, thirsty, bored, over stimulated. This is is where we formed bonds with our parents, to perform to their desires and in return receive what we were seeking.

Fast forward to adolescence and this need for validation would see us try and outshine our siblings, cousins or friends. We would do this to gain our parent's approval. Not wanting to be lost amongst the others.  This deep desire often triggers a chain of events that I've been working with a lot of clients recently. 

There is a gap in their childhood where they felt like they were not seen/heard or loved and thus began this silent rivalry between others who were getting what they wanted. 

What is Tit for Tat

This is the act of one person trying to outdo or take a stab at the other after they have done it to you. Generally, I have seen this predominately with siblings. What starts off as simply talking over the top of one another at the table, turns into a grudge match that could last for years. He said this, she did that etc.

When the ecosystem of the family unit is turbulent the behaviour between siblings doesn't often get addressed individually but instead, both kids fight and are told to behave themselves.

Take this situation of where two people are still holding on to an incident a decade on (for example, my brother said that he hated me every time my parents weren't looking), this behaviour becomes toxic. One will say one thing in spite, to get a reaction from the other, because that is what happened in the past, then the other does something similar to get a rise from that person. Past memories/incidents are used as weapons to tear each other down. 

For example:

Sister says - hey looks like you are having a bad day?

Brother replies - what would you know, you haven't spoken to me in weeks!

Sister  says - That's not my fault, you are always so busy

Brother replies - at least I have a life unlike you always sitting in your room, plus last time I told you how I felt you ran off to Mum and dad and told them!

Oh, the grudges! He said she said. Siblings especially have this because they have spent so much time together, they have more shared memories than with others. Thus they have more fuel to put on the fire if they wanted to. This is why Tit for Tat can be severely dangerous. People are living in the past and expecting, assuming that people don't change. Nor have they forgiven or let whatever is bothering them go. They've held it on purpose and added it to the memory bank to use at a later time. 

Tit for Tat - is saying things to prove a point, to come across better than the other person (they are right/know best), to do something another has done to them (which they feel is unjust) but because they got away with it - they do it. 

In other words, it's almost a permission slip to give what the other person has done to you back to them! And the crazy thing is, most of the time people don't even realise that they are doing this!

Why is Tit for Tat a toxic pattern in relationships?

When we are in a situation and fall back towards the tit-for-tat way of behaving we are not truly present in the moment. It has become a reaction that has more often than not been formed with a sibling for decades. Here lies - assumptions, expectations and past stories and experiences that are being held onto. The rivalry is silent and often each party is guilty of holding on to resentment, bitterness, trauma, or pain that they have felt. 

This behaviour often leads to misunderstandings and misconceptions of what is really happening. Family ties can be cut due to this indifference of sides needing to be drawn and declared. There is no acceptance of an individual but instead a grudge. 

This grudge that one holds festers the longer we keep it. When we hold on to the past, especially pain we are focusing on the negative.  These negative emotions and thoughts carry weight, they don't make us feel good - they feed a negative loop that is constantly repeating itself. This can affect our bodies in numerous ways, bringing stress, anxiety, paying and discomfort in the body. 

When two people are holding on to that much negativity when they come together they are reacting with their defences up. 

We all know what it feels like when someone else is sad, grumpy and mad! we take extra precautions, right?

It's walking on eggshells. 

It's unhealthy emotionally and mentally. 

What to do about it

If you have found yourself in a constant loop of sibling rivalry then its up to you to place some healthy boundaries around yourself while you heal and rework how you want to show up in the situation.

Questions to ask yourself:

Why do I alter who I am with this person?

Is this really who I am?

Why do I let myself become xyz when I am around them?

What boundaries do I need to set to support me while I heal my past?

What boundaries do I need to place upon myself? (see internal boundaries)

How can I change my behaviour when I am with this person?

Who do I want to be in this relationship?

What does a healthy sibling/friend/family member relationship look like?

What do I need to do to make that happen? (see above)

How would I want to be spoken too? Am I speaking to others like I would want?

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This pattern is just one of many that I am talking through with clients and if you have found yourself in a similar situation and are wanting change. Please get the help you need this can be from a professional like myself or a counsellor to help break free from these situations.