Prioritising Sexual Expression with Tamica Wilder

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This week on the wild success podcast, we are talking about sexual expression with Tamica Wilder a somatic sexologist and erotic educator who is helping women through education to learn to love sex again. We dive into the language of the body, how sex plays a role in our lives and some hot tips shamelessly prioritise pleasure and play!


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This week on the wild success podcast, we are talking about sexual expression. I have with me today on the show Tamica Wilder. Tamica is a somatic sexologist and erotic educator who is helping women through education to learn to love sex again, she works one-on-one but also with couples and today we’re going to be talking all things, sexual expression and how sex plays an important role in our lives. 


Hey Tamica, how are you going? 

Hello,  I’m pretty good. All things considered. I’m actually pretty good, 


There’s no other way to put it right. Like 2020 has been the year. This year for you, I’ve seen this great birthing. I want to say for you like your coming out into the world, it’s been so glorious to watch. Do you want to share about what you are doing now and how you got to this place? 

Sure. Yeah it has been, I feel like I’ve reached that moment that people say they’re like, Oh, everything just started making sense. I’m finally where my whole life has been leading me to. That happened for me at the start of this year or mid last year actually. So I’m a somatic sexologist. I work with the body, I work with sexual expression, sexual confidence, and it’s so interesting. It feels like a very long story. I was to talk about exactly how I got here, but it’s really been, I feel like I’ve had a sign on my head, my whole life, which is like safe person to talk about sex with. Or it’s like, if you have a nali intricate, personal detail that you need to share with someone, tell it to me, it’s like I had. It’s really been informed by the fact that I’ve spent a long chunk of my life healing, my own sexual trauma and learning about how to not only heal but change the stories attached to some of the trauma I experienced, and change the body’s response to those. 

That’s kind of what led me to continue studying in this realm. Now I work specifically with, well, a lot with parents and moms on how to do the same thing. 


I just got full body goosebumps. How magical is that our greatest lesson in life becomes the work that we do? And It’s from our lived experience. I love this. Today we’re going to be talking a lot about sexual expression and you confidence as well. I’m keen to dive into that. Do you want to share maybe what sexual expression actually is? 

The way I define it or what I’ve found it to be for me and lots of people I work with is our ability to really own all of the aspects of the spectrum of our expression. Sexuality and sex and pleasure and play from this lives on that spectrum. Very often as we move through life, that part of us gets put in a little box or a little compartment, or we run only a certain amount of that spectrum. We don’t fully explore or express what is there. It’s like the light and the dark, the bits that are like, you’re really proud of and really happy with it. The bits that you feel like, Oh, I’m a bit insecure about. You hide being fully, sexually, and self-expressed is about running the full spectrum and going, this is who I am. This is what I’m experimenting, exploring. This is how I’m changing, growing and evolving. 

It also requires us not to be too heavily attached to our identity. People like, Oh, I talk like this. I walk like this. I sound like this. I laugh like this. I cry like this. I dress like this. This is my favorite color, blah, blah. We put ourselves in these tiny little boxes, like this is who I am of sexual expression can leave the lid on that and actually help us run the full gamut of human. 

This is awesome. I feel like I’ve been going through this process of self expression myself, because that’s the thing I think, there’s boxes. We do, we define ourselves. The thing is who we were even 10 years ago is not who we are now. Totally. Those things that you once liked, I’m trying to think what 10 years ago was 2010. 


Rewind back to that. Oh man. Things changed. It’s really interesting that you say like the full spectrum here as well, because to me, pleasure immediately I think of it as sexual, but then you put in the wordplay it’s so childlike. 

Yes. The childlike innocent can be very lighthearted, curious, exploration, all the things that kids do naturally when we can re-learn how to do that inside of our sexual curiosity and our sexual expression, then it is a really good marker for transformation maybe without that heaviness and the shame and taboo. Obviously, it takes work, it takes awareness and it’s. 

What does actual sexual expression look like then?The definition? When we see somebody who is fully self-expressed sexually expressed. What would that look like? 

I feel like there’s a couple of arms to it for some people, and we’d all be on a sliding scale of what it means to us. I think a big part of my teaching, the way I work is that it’s not what I say is the way it is. It’s about you finding your authentic definition of what your sexual expression is to you. Not what I say it is. Under that it could be, Oh, I feel super sexually expressive. When I had the confidence to talk about my needs and desires and curiosities in the bedroom with my partner, or I feel super sexually expressive when I’m having one of those days where I walk down the footpath and the crowd parts. I’m just like an energy that is big and bold and beautiful and powerful. I know it on this day because I’ve been taking care of my body and those you can just sense it and feel it so anywhere any of those things for you, that’s your sexual expression. 

Yeah. It’s finding your own, I guess, terminology of what that looks like. Yeah. 

Yes. Cool. The clues are where you feel like you’re carrying some shame or some hiding or some taboo or where, you need to do a bit of work. A lot of people describe this as like, there was a part of myself behind me, this is tapping me on the shoulder. Like Hey babe, look at this, come on. You know that, look at me now, look at me, you know, that kind of feeling. When you turn around whatever you face, whatever you feel, that’s you really opting into magnifying your sexual expression. Cause there’s stuff there for you to heal and change and be with. 


How interesting is not always the dark bits that you like, but then the life work, both you and I like the life work that’s here. I was wondering how our body plays a role in this because that’s the thing like you’ve really spoken about energy. Cause like, especially that unit, I know that day, that feeling relaxed, walking down the street and that, Oh yeah, I’ve got the soundtrack I’m happening. 

Yes. The body plays a huge role in that because we don’t just live life. Although so much of our habits have led us down. This path, life is not lived through thoughts and language and in cognition, life is lived through the body. We lie down, we stand out, we breathe, we laugh, we cry, we walk around, we dance, we sing, we, I could go on, this is old, the body doing this stuff. We know that to relearn something or to learn something new, the body needs to be on board. The somatic part of a sexology is really that it is learned through any of the body, not with language. There’s some of that stuff that’s super important around our beliefs and things that we’ve been surrendering to and subscribing to, but then we need to catch the body up. Using things like breath, sound movement, touch, play placement of awareness, even like sexual meditations and that kind of thing catches the body and the nervous system. 

For us to experience our full range of pleasure or to build our pleasure, the nervous system needs to be in a state of relaxation. We can’t be regulated and full of stress and cortisol and then expect that our body can create new wiring for pleasure. It’s just stress coming into the parasympathetic, out of the nervous system and activating that allows us to experience more sensation, more relaxation, ease and pleasure. 

And there it is once again, it’s that play. Play when you’re stressed. One thing we don’t want to do is not play.

Do. It’s a really big key, like yeah, the innocence in play and people say, Oh, I don’t know. I just don’t feel good today to feel like I want to do my practice. It’s like, come on, we need to reverse engineer that like, if you only ever did the thing that you needed to do, when you felt good, you would never do it. Like it needs to be done. Right. 

Yes. Nurture nurturing practices. Sex, how important is it? So sexual expression I feel is energetic. Sex involved? Is it needed? Is it important? Please share. 

Sex is important. What I think is the first task when we approached that question is like redefining what sex means to you? What is sex? Because unfortunately, our system provides poor sex education. That is basic and terrifying. We all grow up with the narrative that, Oh, sex is dick in vagina.. 

And literally those words. ? Right. 

You won’t be able to see this, but I did the thing with my finger in a little circle, 

You know, the pictures. 

It’s redefining, what sex is with yourself, what is sex with your partner? It might be that there’s no penetration or there’s no nudity. Even like redefining what sex is to you and hell yes, it’s important because the hormonal landscape and the chemical landscape that’s created for us when we opt into sexual interaction is so powerful in our daily life. I just can’t stop talking about it. 

What are the hormones that are triggered? I want to think like, what is the one that’s when you have you give birth with oxytocin. 

Same-same sex as well. Yes. You get that in sex. Dopamine serotonin and oxytocin, other opioids as a woman, your testosterone levels also can often change. That’s that piece that gives us the impetus to have more and more sex. We are testosterone, we can change our behaviors around how often we actually want to engage in sex. Even, something like dopamine, for example, that feel good hormone that can give us clarity, confidence, more assertive behavior, things like setting goals and going after what we want and all that kind of stuff lives inside of all of those hormones that I just spoke of. It changes your life to have those up in a completely different person. 

What’s really interesting is I’m a big advocate for working with ying and yang, like being, I guess, feminine, I’m a female, but having the masculine energy and working with it, like there’s power to that totally like balance. 

Yeah. Well, I guess this is where I go back to a spectrum. It’s like, I want to have range in everything that I do and all aspects of my being, I don’t want to be compartmentalized into like, I’m this type of creature, because I think that all humans can run every single aspect that they’re in. We run ying and yang masculine, feminine, everything in between like our human nature is far beyond those structures, even, and I think balance can be achieved when we give ourselves permission to be all of it and play inside all of it and things like role play and dress ups.

Yeah. Or the ways that I play and enjoy pretend and fantasy. That’s system, when we live in fantasy and make believe and pretend and making it up. That’s the erotic part of us that I love leading with and teaching live and explore fun, play, pleasure, sex. 

Can you share maybe some insight to an experience that you’ve had where you’ve like, Oh wow. Like I need to show up as my fully expressed self, like in this moment, can you share an example or a lesson learned from it? 

I did an interesting experiment one day. I don’t know if this is yes. I did have fun when I started understanding how much my body and my frequency and my confidence changed when I was opting into states of pleasure, more and more often. Not necessarily masturbation to the point of climax, not necessarily sex with a partner, but doing practices that actually put some of those hormones up in my body and allow me to enjoy self touch and self pleasure. I was like, okay, this changes how I walk in the world. There was this networking meeting that I was going to, this is a couple of years ago now. It felt quite important to me at the time. I knew it was going to be full of people in suits and people that are not really like me, ? And I’m pretty good. I’m pretty chameleon-like. 

I can survive in lots of different environments, but I thought I’m just going to try this on before opting into this meeting in this presentation. In my car, I decided to masturbate for awhile. I parked is probably illegal and the cops are gonna come to my door to arrest me now, but it’s okay. 

In my car I had big, good music on. I decided to masturbate for a while before going into this meeting and just access loads of pleasure in my body. It was pretty hot and I was pretty juiced up. And I went into this meeting. 

And it was like, the whole room was besotted by me. It was so easy. I got up and I spoke, it was just, it was a big laugh and it was dynamic. And I just felt so empowered. I felt like I had this big secret and I felt like I had just changed the entire state of my day by making that choice to put pleasure there first. I think that’s one of those things that I remember so often, like if I’m feeling shitty or if I’m like, Oh, there’s something bigger I’ve got to do. It’s like, you’ve played with this before, put pleasure first and then change what becomes available to you in the next moments. It’s a very successful meaning, very successful presentation and lots of fun. 

I can only imagine the magnetism as well. Yeah yeah. Afterwards cause you riding all those amazing hormones and things as well. Everyone’s like, Whoa, pull me in. 

When I share this  kind of example, it could feel overwhelming for someone listening to this like, Oh, well, I’m not going to do that. That’s so full-on, and they’re not the things I do before a meeting. I had to do lots of work around shame and around it’s wrong to prioritize pleasure or I’m not allowed. Or society says that you’re selfish. If you do these things or you’re not a good parent, if you have too much sex or, all of these things that we carry with us first, we need to look at that. We need to unpack those things. Otherwise you’re not going to be easily choosing moments of pleasure that actually provide that magnetism and that confidence and that ease. 

And also with that as well. Likeyou said earlier, that’s something that you got to play with, like that wasn’t, for you to try, when you’re, I guess we’re in the beginning stages of really feeling into sexual expression that may seem like, something that you would do a hundred years from now, but realistically, like we all start somewhere. Totally. As you mentioned, like sexual expression, like it’s up to you, what you make it and it doesn’t mean that you need to masturbate in the car because we seriously like getting your hand on your shirt and feeling your nipples like hiding in a toilet somewhere before you do something else, like there’s many ways. My final question for you, since we’re on this sharing and caring moment, three tips for people, well most of the audience are women, maybe some tips as to how to help them start the journey. 

Yeah. Yeah. My first tip is it’s about putting this lens forward and putting this part of your personal development journey, if you will, to the forefront, because it’s not a space that is going to happen without your attention. If this is a realm that you want to really start looking into and leaning into and learning about to cultivate more pleasure and play connect with your partners more easily learn how to masturbate or self-pleasure up your magnetism, more confidence. The first thing you have to do is make the proclamation that you are choosing a journey, which is actually you taking care of your sexuality or your sexual health, make that proclamation until you do that. And actually put the lens forward. It’ll just be like a cute little idea. Another three, four or nine years will pass and you’ll go, Oh, damn like, Oh, still not having that orgasms that I want, or I’m still only having sex once a month. 

Dammit. First make it at the front part of the prioritizing, okay, I’m going to tell my friends about it. I’m going to do some journaling about it. I’m going to decide on what’s goals that I might have inside of this thing. We set goals for all sorts of things. So why not this? That’s fine. It’s great. Tell your partners, make it known. The second thing is I’d start to get curious about the ways in which you interact with your body that perhaps have been, I dunno if it would say lacking, but a bit lackluster. I think particularly for people, who’ve had children in that run households. It’s very easy for us to get up in the morning and like Chuck on some clothes and we might have a shower and we just, we do what we always do every day. I would invite you to think about the ways in which you can come into some self-connection with a bit more slowness, a bit more reverence, a bit more intentionality. 

So you know, set a time. If it’s 20 minutes, once a week, when no matter what’s happening in the household, you say I’m going upstairs and you close and lock the door, not to have a full sesh with yourself, but it could be just hand on your heart. One hand on your pussy and do some intentional breathing for 20 minutes because that’s an action that supports whatever intention you’re creating about, who you want to be inside of your sexual self. Get intentional and carve out time for yourself is the second thing. The third one is access education that it feels interesting to you. And this is relevant to you. Like there are so many sex educators, there are so many offerings and there’s a teacher for everybody. And it’s important to get support. Just like if you wanted to make a lasagna that you’ve never made before you would look up a recipe, you would go to the shop, you would buy the ingredients, you could look it up and you might do it once. 

And you’re like, Oh it wasn’t great. Next time I’ll tweak it. And you do it again. Again in five years time, it’s like, Oh mom, can you make that? Yeah, I love it. It’s so good. 

Our sexuality is the same. We can learn it. You have to get teachers, you have to learn things and unlearn things and try things and be patient with yourself. Go gently with yourself. Yes. I get a teacher that’s for you. 

I love it. As you said earlier as well, like it’s a lot of healing as well. That’s involved with it, 

Lots and lots. Really, I feel like people do their whole personal development thing. You wake up one day and you’re like, Oh, whoops, Oh yeah. Now there’s that piece. You do it again with the layer of sexuality over it. A lot of people reference it as one of the final pieces or one of the biggest pieces of what we’re here to learn and unlearn, ? And yeah. Lots of healing, lots of deep personal work. 

You’ve totally given us more than three tips. I have written them down.I’ve got like prioritizing the one thing and making the choice or yeah. If you’re going to do the work, dive all in, but you also mentioned setting goals around it. 

Yeah. Give yourself permission to learn. I think that’s one of the things people think it’s natural. Like Oh, I’m a human, so I should know how to have sex. Well actually, no, we need to learn because we don’t leave. We leave in domestic relationships with kids and in silos and it’s different. We’re not in the caves, like having this kind of animal mammal experience. We need to learn leaks offline and well, that’s the thing. Number three, getting curious. That’s yourself, but yeah, also, your body, which I think is so important and good sex education, which Tamika can help you with. I can. Do you want to, actually, while we’re here, where’s the best place we can find you. I run a group called the orgasmic mama. It’s a group on Facebook and I’m just now launching the own member masterclass. It’s like a monthly membership where every single training I do anywhere on the internet arrives inside of the membership. 

If you do one-on-one coaching with me, lots and lots more than $44 a month for everything that I do I put in there, this is a big piece in putting it to the forefront and actually yeah, making it a priority is that you need to keep it top of mind. A lot of the women in the orgasmic mama group will be coming over to the membership and we dance every month, group coaching workshops, Q and a, all the things and your videos are amazing. Yeah. On Instagram. I do, I do IGTV’s and stuff, but yeah, orgasmic mama, 


we’ll put some links in the show notes for that. Okay. Thank you so much Tamica for sharing your wisdom with me today.


 No worries. Thanks for having me. I appreciate you reaching out. As you can say, I could talk about this for a long time, but this is a great little bite-size. 

Thank you. 

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Hey I'm Lizzie


I am an Aussie country gal who broke all the rules, dedicated to living life my way! I’m a Mumma, world traveller and an expressive down to earth, no BS speaker, who leads with heart. 

After healing my own stories, beliefs and patterns that kept me feeling small, stuck and prioritising everyone else, I like to think of myself as a humble example of how you can turn your story around to do LIFE your own way!

My mission is to empower women to live life on their own terms, where they speak their truth, trust their intuition and confidently express themselves fully & freely, without self-doubt, fear or hesitation.

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