On the show today I’m going to be talking all about people-pleasing, I’m one year on from when I first discovered I had this little habit that I didn’t want to admit. I share my lessons and what I have taken away from this experience of putting myself through different situations.
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Hello. Today I’m going to be talking all about people-pleasing I’m one year from now, from when I first discovered I had this little habit that I didn’t want to admit to her, it was something that was hanging on my shoulders. It was a heavy weight and, I was just doing absolutely everything I could to please so many people and it was not doing me any good at all.
For those who don’t know last year, I’ve had multiple, how do I say in a nice way, I’m going to call them crashes pretty much. It was one after another, from business to life and beyond pretty much my life was kind of out of control and I wasn’t in the driver’s seat anymore. I was the passenger. I was doing absolutely everything I could for everyone else. I’d forgotten about who I was, what my passions were and the direction where I wanted to go. Like I was kind of on that, but I was doing it from a place that wasn’t with my best interest at mind, because I still worried about what others thought of me and their perceptions of who I was. Yeah, that kind of really surprised me that I was even doing that. It all came from something that happened a long time ago.
If you want to learn more about that, obviously there’s an episode a while back where I did a series about people pleasing. So go ahead and dive into that.
One year on what have I learnt?
Well, where do I even begin? There has been so many lessons but I think the number one has been to be gentle to ourselves because no journey, no matter what we’re here to learn is going to be a walk in the park. You know, there’s ups and downs. That’s a yess and holy fuck at the same time, like it’s just honoring that we’re allowed to make mistakes and we’re going to keep learning. Because that’s the thing, we learn from our mistakes and have the awareness as well, like a heightened awareness now, even more so that this is really happening.
The other thing that I’ve learned over the past year is to stay in my own lane.
Wow. Like where do I even begin? Like, that’s the thing people pleasing is about giving and doing things for others, right? So staying in your own lane and doing what’s right for you has just been a practice, which I’m going to talk more about in a moment that has definitely changed the way that I do things. Now, the really crazy thing is staying in my own lane has been the majority of my life except for the last decade. If you want to learn more about my story and all the things that I’ve produced, go back a few episodes and you will find a beautiful series around it. For now let’s focus one year on because this is the growth that I’ve seen in myself as well. Staying in your own lane means you’re not looking at others. You’re not looking for them for guidance.
You’re trusting yourself. You’re trusting your intuition. You’re moving from a place that has your best interest at mind. Yeah, that has been my number one takeaway from last year. That means that I’ve had to change my behaviors and habits and the people that surround me, like I want people around me to lift me up to support me to be that way. Some of the practices that I have changed over the last year and number one is to respond and not react. Now, this one has been a practice for a long time for me. It’s because I wear my emotions so openly, I’m very expressive, I’m very emotional and people can read me like a book. There’s no hiding how I feel in situations. However, as a kid, as a teenager, someone in my twenties, and even still today, like our reactions, they’re emotionally driven and it’s from triggers.
One of the things that I’ve been practicing more so in the last year than anything else is, my response to situations and my response to what people say and things like that. Instead of reacting, I’m responding in a different way, I’m choosing a different way to see things savings will be things and do yet. It’s premium, like my biggest takeaway in a practice. I’m giving myself space and time. Like I talk a lot about this with girls and the whole woman community, like I’m pausing before I respond. Like I feel into a situation, I look at how I’m reacting and feeling. Sometimes, there’s situations that are unavoidable and it’s like, well, how can I navigate this? What can I say? What can I do to like move forward with my best interest at heart? And some of those things are really challenging.
So it’s been big. Number two is about being in the moment. Staying in your own lane, going back to that, like being in the moment, go hand in hand, in the moment is knowing what’s right for you, it’s in your truth, it’s in your, you just know what’s right to do so you’re not in your mind, you’re in your body. I think for a people pleaser to come back to us, put their feet grounded down into knowing themselves and acting in each moment from self is really important. Staying present to that, not racing ahead, a lot of people, places have a lot of anxiety because of continually thinking ahead. What if this happens? What if that happens? How’s that person going to respond? What if that like, happens and like, hold on a second. Why don’t you actually just enjoy your cup of coffee and sit there and have a conversation with someone instead of worrying about what’s the next thing that they’re going to say, or being prepared is something like actually just slowing with it.
That has been such an eye-opening through it’s for me, because I’m such a doer. I’m like, oh, that person needs like, it’s kind of inbuilt in me, but I’ve had to slowly let other people do things that I would normally jump up in a second to go and do. So it’s opened my eyes a lot. The third of course is, self-acceptance, sorry if your truth, yourself, and you can take ownership of mistakes, things you’ve said and just accept them for what they are, who are, what a beautiful practice, there is no wiggle room for self doubt. There’s no wiggle room at all for pleasing others because you acknowledge yourself. I don’t think you can do anything better than that. So self-acceptance has been a practice. I can forgive myself everything that I’ve learned and had to relearn because maybe it hasn’t served me the best yet, and I needed to change that.
That’s been a huge one for me. Self-acceptance of who I am and what I believe in. Journaling for me has been the biggest win to move through a lot of my own behaviors. Still to this day, like on a, everyone should be journaling. I go through bouts where I journal every day or sometimes I just do it once a week. It just depends on where I am mentally. I’m finding that, the healthier my mind is, the less I need to journal, but in saying that, like, I go back to it when I get stuck in my head. I can ground back into what’s going on and what’s going through my mind and the emotions that I’m feeling. So journaling all the way. Of course, if you’d like some really great journal prompts for people pleasing head over to my website, because as 10 journal prompts for people, pleases, that’s 10 short ones that start you off with identifying to get you through to the end of like how you want to base or have a look.
The other one as well would be, tips would be, get a great therapist. One of the things for me was to have someone to talk through like at a deeper level of where I was at with my people, pleasing because I had to look at it every single relationship that I was doing this. And, that was including my husband and my family members. I was including friends. Those people that worked with it were everybody, my kids even, I needed someone with neutral ground to do that. For me, that was really good to have someone to talk through. And, I’d actually, funnily enough, started therapy prior to discovering my people pleasing ways. So it just aided in that. Yeah. Me discovering who I was, again, it was so simple. Also having support for this journey is imperative. Like, I spoke to my husband about it as I could look, I’ve just noticed that I do this a lot.
I’m always the one that jumps in and takes control and looks after all the people. Yeah. You know, like you do that. I love you for it because you’ll be compassionate and giving and I’m like, that’s a cool way to put it. Like we had to have this discussion around how I was sacrificing what I wanted and my needs and my desires for others to make them happy instead of myself. Last year we had so many discussions. What are the other things that I’ve realized since discovering people pleasing is what friendship means to me and what I deem as relationship, defining this has been huge. Like how do I, what do I see as a friend? Like what makes a good friend and what makes a great partner, what makes, a solid relationship, with friends, family, everything. It’s kind of helped me to understand relationships.
They should be equal, like sometimes, there’s given take absolutely. As a people pleaser, I often put people on a pedestal and that wasn’t the right way to be in a friendship. I had to pull myself up to meet people where they are, that was like a huge realization have that. Relationships have been redefined this last year and what I value as friendship. One of the things I suggest to any people pleaser, I was like, what makes a good friend to you? What do you deem as a relationship? What do you need in a relationship and what does the other person need in a relationship? And is that going to work like having those big conversations with yourself, but also maybe with the other people, like, it’s really important to have clear communication. That brings me to my final point about discoveries. This last year, communication is crucial for people, places you need to be able to communicate one how you’re feeling to the thoughts that have going on in your hand and three with others, because that’s the thing like I’ve changed the way I see relationships.
Therefore my communication had to change because I would play down who I was for others in order to make them feel better instead, showing up boldly brightly in situations, like it took some time to, for me to feel through that, but also to act and be that, and not like put myself down in front of others to accept compliments and to feel compliments like that has been huge, but also communication to open dialogue about cutting the things that you want, setting boundaries. So you’re not getting walked over. Communication is key, you know? Yes. A lot of people pleasers are great listeners. Absolutely. Being assertive with your voice doesn’t need to be aggressive. It just means that you’re asking for the things that you want, and that is power, and it can be done in a beautiful, loving way. It’s just acknowledging who you are. So there you have it.
That is pretty much the summary of what I’ve learned this past year. Respond, not react, be in the moment, have full self-acceptance of where you are right now, who you are and love on yourself, journaling right through your feelings, right through your thoughts, maybe find a therapist or some support for you on your journey, through this, look at your relationships and what they mean to you and how you want to be treated and look at that. Also then adding the layer of communication. You’re opening up and voicing what it is you need to say and do it with love and know that it takes time and practice to shop. Communication skills is not something a lot of people have learnt over the years is how to be a good communicator. And, you know, I’ve stuffed up situations. I’ve still had awkward moments. It’s not like I’ve perfected the art yet either, but I go in trying my best and trying to put first in situations and setting that clearly, sorry that you have it my year of people pleasing and my lessons.
If you want to find out more about people pleasing or get those journal prompts, head over to my website and get some more details. All right. Have a great day.